a visual note

expectations

 

Some photos from a photography project 2011 (IndraTania, Celia Tjahjadi, and Genkina) and main background from personal archives.

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the cross-section (come what may)

crosssection

  • standing barefoot in the cross-section
    left foot swollen purplish blue skin
    it was seven days after the motorbike accident
    right foot soaking wet skin wrinkling
    nine minutes ago tears rain down heavy
    from the heart to the eyes
    pouring down kissing dirt on the hot asphalt
    petrichor
  • i am
    at the cross-section
    the in betweens
    the what maybes
    fears
    hopes
    desires
    dreams
    colliding through this fragile physical body
    meeting in the center
    of this hardcore heart
    filling up the void
  • bahala-na
    come what may

constant reminder to the cautious lover

Walk on my dear, hold his hands tightly

Love as if there’s no tomorrow

Do not take time for granted (if you take it for granted, there will be no moments)

For when the wind blows, it just flows 

(Hard, flock of birds flapping flight on the ripples of your breath

Soft, tickling the bamboo leaves, giggling)

Just be, my dear.

The cause and effects, all is taken care of.

 

____________________________________________

Sometimes fear creeps in, what is this does not work out?

“Who cares.”, Bear said bluntly.

“I care! I will be hurt, drowned, buried in the deepest trenches, broken to pieces and…”

“You have fought, you have loved, you have lived.” Bear whispers to my ears.

 

 

A dream inside a dream

giant stone
••I lived inside the trunk of the old-wise Seqouia, I hugged giant stones for comfort.

The animals are friends and changing of seasons taught me that continuous cycle is a law of life.

Every move in time, every growth, there is this chain, continously latching me to everything else.

I was never free anyway••

Journal Archive: Oct 8th 2016 (Putu Sridiniari, 25 years on earth)

____

afraid of showing up to disappoint

cultivating and never harvesting

until the seasons come to an end

when the last drop of water kisses the ground

the sun sets and

never comes back

i died inside the ground i grew me in

i died because there was nothing more

to live for

wake me up

wake me

up

_______hold my hands

my fingers

_____________my last breath where my hope flew to the sky

the sky, it was gone now, i should’ve done better.

what could i do?

the roots was pulling me way stronger

beneath the ground

i buried myself

peacefully

 

___Saturday, October 8th 2016.

bleed to heal and compensate the lost: a pms story

feet.jpgAs bleeding is happening,

A sacred space opens up,

I commune with my heart,

I ask, “What can I do for you?”

___________________________

A lot.

In different ways, in many aspects,

I hug myself,

I whisper love, prayers of gratitude and understanding.

I know why you suffer, my darling

Finally we can talk about it.

___________________I feel the breeze, the thunder, the rotation of this planet.

The small creatures under my pillow, the dance of tiny hairs on my skin, the volume of water in my eyes, the growth of my fingernails, creeping the hell out of me.

I feel the heat of your body. The thump of your foot touching the wooden floor. Your sorrow. Your madness and pain.

The anxiety I have in the weight of your presence.

Lightness and heaviness,

Real and Surreal,

Love and Hate,

Sweet and Sour.

I take it all in…to compensate the Lost of a creation.

So I bleed.

Let me bleed_

bleed

it

all

out.

-Putu Sridiniari,

Words & Artwork: February 2017.

Journal Archive: Nyepi, 12 Maret 2013 (Putu Sridiniari, 22 tahun di bumi)

*Kembali ke titik nol kehidupan

* Silence is the best music

* Dimana batasan itu?

deepshit

04:55am, NYEPI.

SEPERTI KADAL, yang merayap pada pohon itu, lalu mendadak dipangkas pohon itu oleh sang Ibu. KADAL itu terpanting-panting, jatuh ke dalam lautan yang luas… hanya menambah kesedihannya setelah ternyata ekornya tiada.

IA HARUS MULAI LAGI DARI TITIK NOL KEHIDUPAN.

Tapi, tapi…lautan begitu luas, dimana ia harus mencari? Apa menyelam ke dasar lautan terdalam, berenang hingga lelah dan ekor tumbuh kembali atau mengharap tumbuhnya bukan ekor, tapi sayap sehingga ia tak perlu khawatir lagi jika suatu saat pohon yang dinaiki ditebang oleh sang Ibu?

______________________________

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TEMANKU–kesunyian, kesenyapan dan kau yang ada di cermin itu (dunia lain), percaya tidak kau pada ramalan bintang? Pada kekuatan garis tangan? Pada pengertian raut muka? Apa patut aku percaya? Siapa sejujurnya yang memegang kuasa hidupku? 

Aku terGODAI melewati jalan setapak itu.

WAHAI, temanku kesunyian, kesenyapan dan kau yang ada di cermin itu (dunia lain), bolehkah aku membuka jalan setapak baru? Aku tidak ingin tersesat, hanya ingin merasakan aku dan kamu (menyatu, dalam satu dunia).

______________________________

edit3

KEMARIN– aku menemukan tulisan, “The only person you should compare to is the person you were yesterday”. Apa itu yang benar? Jika standar ‘bagus’ aku dulu dan sekarang berbeda lalu bagaimana? Tanya, tanya dan TANYA kenapa, bukan kepada Tante Google tapi ke perempuan di cermin itu.

Hm, mungkin ada baiknya pejamkan saja mata itu. Resapi.